A Gift Guide for the Depressed
Let's be real: that's most of us these days
Check out my first post here to read more about the namesake of this newsletter and make a copy of the input/output tracking sheet if you so desire.
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I see a lot of gift guides already on Substack—for siblings, for the fashionable people in your life, for kids, for people who “host” “dinner” “parties”—and I want to throw my hat in the ring and cater to a population I know well: depressed people.
I’ve been depressed for the majority of my time alive. I was prescribed anti-depressants in 2003 but didn’t take them for the first time until 2020, seventeen years, two nervous breakdowns, and eight therapists later. I felt a massive improvement within three days of the first pill, which tells me that I was missing some fairly essential brain juice for the entirety of my life.
Here are some little tricks and treats that have made a difference in my life over the years, all things I would be delighted to receive as a Depressed Individual™.
CATEGORY: BLOCKING OUT THE WORLD
EYE MASK: If you’re not wearing an eye mask every single day, are you even drepressed? This is an essential that makes it possible to stare into the darkness even if your eyes are wide open with anxiety. I have tried many an eye mask, and found two that suit different needs. For everyday, I like ones with little carve outs for my eyes. I recommend the MZOO (what is this name) for that purpose. And when I need to feel like someone is lightly smothering me, then I go with the GOAT: Nodpod. Nodpod describes itself as “aa weighted blanket for the eyes” and you just know there’s someone on an SSRI working there.
EARPLUGS: Yes, it’s embarrassing that the best earplugs I’ve ever used are called “Eargasm Squishies,” but the product is so good I will put that aside. They stay sticky for an unsettlingly long time and you better set your alarm to high volume, cause these things know you need to be dead to the world.
NOISE CANCELLING HEADPHONES: See a theme here? We are going on sensory deprivation for the next four (or more?) years. I have these Bose headphones that are on major sale today, but I know people love their Beats as well. The Apple ones are too expensive, let’s be real. As depressed people, we need to save our money for croissants.
CATEGORY: AMPING UP SEROTONIN PRODUCTION
ART PRINTS: As someone who does a lot of motivational self-talk to beat back the monsters in my brain, I need affirming prints scattered across my house at all times. This print by Olivia Joffrey is next on my list:
The great Emily Flake has the best cartoons for your walls, including some of the best parenting advice out there:
And I’ve had Lisa Hanawalt (Bojack Horseman) prints hanging in my apartment for years:
CATEGORY: REMEMBERING YOUR PHYSICAL BODY
ELECTROLYTE TABS: these have been a game changer for me when I feel really bad in the ol’ bod. Pop a tab into some water and a) it doesn’t taste like water anymore, b) my favs, Nuun, are carbonated so it’s fancy, and c) you get electrolyts that help with headaches and body aches. Nuuns also come in caffeinated versions so you get a jolt of energy. Keep them on your bedside table. They’re supposedly for recovering from rigious exercise but, I, uh, haven’t explored that use case yet.
BOMBAS: I finally tried them and they are very good. When I have a nice sock on it makes me remember I can also put shoes on and take a walk? Magic.
A PREPAID COOKIE SUBSCRIPTION: I know saying a certain cookie is “the best” is a recipe (pun intended) for hate mail, but Levain is simply the best in my opinion. When a cookie is so decadent it’s hard to eat an entire one in a sitting, you know it’s good. For three months, send eight cookies to someone’s (your?) house. Pro tip: you can freeze them and reheat them in the oven for 8 minutes at 325 on really dark days!
A HOTEL ROBE: I stayed at the Reykjavík Edition hotel in December 2022 and was FREEZING because I didn’t park warmly enough for ICELAND in DECEMBER. This robe kept me warm on the final night (turns out we also had contracted Covid on this trip, which is part of why I had full-body chills). That frigid sense memory aside, this is the nicest robe I’ve ever put on my body—and I’m a robe hound so that truly means something.
A FUN PIECE OF JEWELRY: something that makes you smile when you see it. For your inner horse girl, try this ring. If you’re a pigeon apologist, this jewelry is creepy and compelling. Nameplates are back, I guess? I won’t be wearing one personally because I learned my name as a child (BRAG!), but here’s some nice ones made of real gold.
CATEGORY: READING TO BLOCK OUT REALITY
WOW, NO THANK YOU. Any Sam Irby is going to make you feel one million times better. “Irby is forty, and increasingly uncomfortable in her own skin despite what Inspirational Instagram Infographics have promised her. She has left her job as a receptionist at a veterinary clinic, has published successful books and has been friendzoned by Hollywood, left Chicago, and moved into a house with a garden that requires repairs and know-how with her wife in a Blue town in the middle of a Red state where she now hosts book clubs and makes mason jar salads. This is the bourgeois life of a Hallmark Channel dream. She goes on bad dates with new friends, spends weeks in Los Angeles taking meetings with “tv executives slash amateur astrologers” while being a “cheese fry-eating slightly damp Midwest person,” “with neck pain and no cartilage in [her] knees,” who still hides past due bills under her pillow.”
THE MINISTRY FOR THE FUTURE: Some would argue that reading a 600-page book about a fictional climate change agency that begins with 20 million people dying is not good for depressed people, but sometimes you just need to indulge your worst feelings to come out the other side. Kim Stanley Robinson is a straight up genius, and I’ve read this book three times already.
11/22/63: My father Stephen King’s most immersive read, imo. I started with the sentiment, “I do not like time travel books” and ten pages in I canceled plans to read 300 pages a day until I was finished. You willl lose hours to this story, I promise. Also apropos of nothing it’s kind of a nice time to read about multiple presidential assasination efforts.
CATEGORY: RIDICULOUS ITEMS
GURGLEPOT: it’s a pitcher shaped like a fish that makes a GLUGGLUGGLUG sound when you pour from it. I have one and it’s a prized posession. Also makes a great vase. Sometimes the anticipation of a good GLUGGLUGGLUG can be what gets you out of bed in the morning.
ART PRINT OF BUTTER: As someone with an extra block of emotional support Kerrygold in her fridge at all times, this print would lift my spirits 10-15%.
NOVELTY T-SHIRTS: Clickhole is the best in the game. This is the only mom-related clothing I’ve had any interest in since giving birth:
And I know you know someone who would wear the hell out of this shirt:
CUSTOM MATCHBOOKS FOR YOUR HOUSE??? I don’t know why, but I really feel like these could cure me forever. Plus: good for arson!
Let me know if you want a part two! Or we can do one specifically for anxious people, another specialty of mine.
What additions do you have for this list, fellow sickos?
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ABOUT ME: My name is Caitlin Kunkel and I’m a writer, teacher, and creator of The Second City’s Satire Writing Program. I co-founded The Belladonna Comedy and the Satire and Humor Festival, and co-wrote the satirical gift book NEW EROTICA FOR FEMINISTS. My second book, INSIDE JOKES: A COMEDY AND CREATIVITY GUIDE FOR ALL WRITERS is out January 2026.
"As depressed people, we need to save our money for croissants." Dead.
Blissy pillow cases!